Lost

I’ve been thinking a lot about my sense of identity and my sense of self. I’ve felt lost these past few weeks. I don’t know who I should be or who I’m trying to be. It’s strange, it’s like the person that I am is somehow alien to me. I don’t feel familiar as if I’ve lost the things that I used to be.

Not all of this feels bad. It’s an unsettled feeling, that feeling of not being quite right. The most annoying thing about it is that there doesn’t seem to  be a source for feeling unsettled. I want to feel like myself again.

A few weeks ago I laughed a lot more, I smiled more and I was more sociable. Now, I feel as though all my emotions have dulled and the person that I am now isn’t really me. How do I find the thing that I’ve lost if what I’ve lost is me? It’s strange. All I want is to feel like myself again.

I’ve lost my curiosity and I don’t feel as bright as I used to. Maybe if I keep going and live like I used to and maybe try new things, I might feel like me again.

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Loneliness

I don’t know how it happened. One day I was smiling and the next I was crying into my pillow wondering why I felt so alone. I suppose it was a gradual transition into feeling like no one really cared, not that other people have shown that they don’t. It’s a perception I have within my own mind. I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by so many people around me. That’s the worst kind of loneliness.

I don’t want to be stuck like this, I don’t want to feel like I am alone when I know that there are people there for me. I don’t think they even know I feel this way. They know something is not quite right but maybe they’re just afraid to ask. They don’t want to know that there’s something wrong. They’d rather see me happy but that’s where the problem lies. I am unhappy and lonely because I feel there is no one to talk to. There’s no one I can share things or moments with. It’s not anyone’s fault, I just happen to feel this way. I do things on my own all the time and I became used to it. Then I noticed that I was isolating myself and people asked me out less and I started asking less for people to hang out with me because I thought I was fine on my own. Being on my own is not how I like to be. Not for this long anyway. It’s been weeks since I felt like I had a good laugh or felt connected to other people.

I like sharing ideas with people around me. I like listening and being listened to. The problem is that the people I felt close to aren’t as close as I thought. I value other people’s time and input but I feel as though I’m not valued by others. I do my own propping up of me, I hold myself up when things get hard but I feel there is no one I can rely on to pick me up when I have a bad fall.

I don’t want to feel this way, no one should have to feel this way. I know it will take some time to get the old me back again. I will get there, somehow.

I want to laugh and smile like I used to and to feel shameless about being who I am and to not be afraid. That’s the person that I am but that’s not the “me” that is here right now. I just want to feel like myself again.

The List

I like lists. I like knowing what I have to do or to buy or to pack because it’s all in ‘the list.’ Shopping lists and the lists I make for travelling have items that can be easily crossed off.

For example, the average shopping list:

shopping list

However, there are some lists that are harder to finish or are never started. I have a number of lists like that and here’s a few of them. 

The language list:

IMG_1819
I haven’t had any formal classes in any of these. 

I love learning languages but they take a long time to become fluent in them and they also take a lot of energy and motivation. I want to learn Chinese and Spanish, I have attempted to learn Japanese and Korean,  and I’m currently learning French. The joy I get out of being able to understand a few words spoken by someone in another language is what keeps me going.

Places-I-want-to-travel-to list:

countries
This list grows and shrinks as new countries are added and others crossed off. 

I’ve been lucky to have had the opportunity to visit some of these places already and I hope to be able to visit more of these countries soon.

 

Then there’s things like a list of food I want to try but don’t know where to find or haven’t had a time to go out and eat:

food
It would probably be longer if I could remember more of the food I actually wanted to try. 

 

Don’t even get me started on the list of books I want to read and movies I want to watch. I think if I keep working on these lists, slowly but surely I’ll get them done. If you have any recommendations on what I should add or how best to cross off some of these items, let me know.

Are you a list writer and what are your lists like?