Aiming to please

This morning as I walked out of the garage to go to the train station I realised that I always put others before me. I have neglected my own wants and desires to such an extent that I have forgotten what they are entirely and is presenting itself as lack of desire. Or maybe I’ve just come to a point where I am content with my life and I’m not looking for anything to fill it with. I’m now just bored instead. It’s a little confusing. What I do know is that I would like to travel. I want to see parts of the world I haven’t seen before. I want to feel all the different kinds of wind brush against my face. I want to taste food I have never tasted before and experience flavours that are completely new.

My realisation came after I yelled at my sister, frustrated that she kept giving me the clothes that she didn’t want and just assuming I would put them in my wardrobe and readily wear them. She had good intentions. She didn’t want to throw them away and she thought maybe giving her track pants to me would be better than donating them.

I didn’t want them though and I felt like she was in some way just dumping her clothes on me. I was getting a little annoyed as well that she kept asking me whether she should keep certain clothes or not but maybe she was just looking for a second opinion rather than validation. Maybe I should have thought about that first instead of getting frustrated.

If I really want to be honest to myself, I think it is time I start putting myself first instead of others. It doesn’t mean I’m going to become selfish for doing it. I don’t want to be a selfish person. It just means that it will be ok for me to say no sometimes to other people and that I should do things because I really want to, not in the hopes that I would be pleasing the other person in some way. I think I do it subconsciously now, my actions are driven by wanting to please others. It’s not a bad thing, but when I do it to the detriment of my own well-being and self-worth, the action only goes to hurt me rather than providing a sense of fulfilment. 

Spider

Last night I had a dream that my eyebrow was growing the same way as my hair does, curly and really bushy. My eyebrow was growing really thick. Part of it was growing out and over the middle and when I pushed this bit to the side, underneath I found the remains of a spider’s egg sac. It was covering most of my eyebrow and had left a brown, sticky residue. I was already in the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I noticed that the spider was still there. It was the size of a two dollar coin and was crawling across my face. I wasn’t scared by it and calmly swatted it off and started to wash the weird brown webbing off of my eyebrow. The dream was more than strange. I got the sticky stuff off and thought about maybe trimming my eyebrows.

Beauty

I never considered myself beautiful or to be even more specific I didn’t think anyone would consider me to be beautiful. Slowly I came to learn to love myself. It took years but I eventually got to a point where I was comfortable with the way I looked. The thought was still in my head though that no one could see that I was pretty. It was an idea that was only shared by me and the girl in the mirror. We would exchange smiles when I complimented her hair and her full lips. She would tell me how nice my eyebrows looked and assure me that I had a cute looking nose. We smiled at each other through the glass, my room lit by the lamp on my bedside casting shadows on the wall behind me. She had dark brown eyes that sparkled when she was happy. Those were on the good days when I woke up and could look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful. I’m glad to say that they far outnumber the bad.

I may have noticed my beauty but I didn’t think anyone else had. I was surrounded by far more attractive people and what was my look compared to theirs? Rather than trying to compete, I accepted my appearance. I had other things to worry about than the latest line of clothes or the newest makeup trend. As long as I felt comfortable with what I was wearing and how my skin felt that morning, I was ok. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself anyway. My newly discovered beauty was not something I was ready to share. Somehow, people noticed. I didn’t mean for them to. I first realised this in October of 2015 when I was at a local ‘club.’ Two boys came up to me and my friends and commented on the volume of my hair. My hair had finally grown long enough, after having a pixie cut, that I could wear it out. It was the first time that I realised I could stand out. I didn’t intend to.

I had developed a new appreciation for my curly black hair after watching a multitude of videos on how to style it. I never knew how to look after my hair so I used to just put it in a bun or braid it. I never wore it down.

My mum would have preferred me with straight hair or thought that’s what I wanted when I was in my teens. She bought straighteners, which she tried on me a few times, but I didn’t like the way they made my hair smell. It was like putting hair to a lit candle. I didn’t feel comfortable with straight hair either because I couldn’t quite recognise the person in the mirror. It wasn’t who I wanted to be. So the straighteners lie in the cupboard, waiting until my mum eventually takes them out to be used on her own hair. Mum looks lovely, by the way, when she does her hair. It suits her. (My mum looks great all the time).

Being noticed for my hair was new to me. I felt like I had hardly been noticed at all and all of a sudden there came about an identifier unique to me that I had had all along. Learning that I could wear my curls, by watching other people do it, I found new confidence in myself. So, I tried something different. I wore my hair down that night at my friend’s party and we ended up going to the club where my appreciation for my hair was solidified. That was also the same night I realised people other than myself might actually think that I was pretty and somewhat attractive. That, is another story.

More

Maybe if we all wanted less and thought about the things that we really needed in life we’d feel freer. We’d think more about what we have rather than constantly filling our homes with trinkets and items. Humans seem to have an insatiable appetite for things, as if having more is somehow going to protect us from the pain of loss. It’s strange to think that. Why is that we are always trying to obtain more even though more is never quite enough?

Maybe it’s just human nature to want more and to seek for more. If our ancestors hadn’t, the human race would likely not have come as far as it has. We might not have roamed the lands looking for better food or shelter. We might not have made such extraordinary discoveries about our universe. We might not have discovered our own consciousness.

However, in our journey towards more, we lost something. We lost our empathy towards nature.We forgot about the land that gave us food and shelter. We forgot how to walk upon the earth without leaving scars.

Although, our human nature tells us to seek for more, our awoken consciousness also speaks and says that more is not the answer to everything.

 

Career

Six letters that are supposed to encompass the trajectory of your working life. Where do I even begin if I can’t focus on, can’t choose what path I’m going to take? Inundated with choices and options and maybes and ‘that sounds good’ but never being able to determine whether that or this will be satisfying. In a word, frustrating.

Career.

Minimalism – a start

There’s a lot of stuff that I’ve kept over the years which I don’t use anymore. Some of these things I’ve kept in a drawer I haven’t opened in over four years. I finally decided to open said drawer and discovered that there were posters there from my youth that I’d now be embarrassed to display on my bedroom walls. I got rid of them and it’s all part of living more with less. An idea I adopted when I found a video while trawling through YouTube:

http://tinyurl.com/o4q7ll2

Buying less stuff is not entirely unfamiliar to me. Going through university with a meager allowance certainly helped to turn the tide on my spending. It’s getting rid of things that I find more difficult. I’m still in the process of getting rid of stuff. I’ve given myself another month to give away, donate or sell the things I don’t want or use anymore.

It’s therapeutic getting rid of things and knowing that I’m going to have less things. It’s freeing simply because I don’t have to worry about something I own. Being less materialistic emphasises what’s really important, like surrounding yourself with people rather than things.

So far, my proudest moment was walking into a warehouse sale and walking out with nothing.

 

 

Who am I?

A list of things I like doing:

  • Writing
  • Singing
  • Talking to people and learning about their stories
  • Cooking
  • Listening to stories
  • Learning languages and hearing them
  • Learning about other countries
  • Thinking about travelling (I have yet to plan a trip)
  • Thinking about creating things (I fail in doing because a part of me is afraid. I am in the process of slowly taking down the wall of fear)

A list of things I care about:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • The environment
  • Finding balance in my life
  • Feeling one with nature
  • Living in an environmentally friendly way
  • Art and culture
  • People and connecting with them

A list of things that are important to me:

  • Family
  • Friendship
  • Living out my beliefs and values
  • Living a less materialistic lifestyle
  • My health
  • Being true to myself

Arbitrary days

Life is random. We try to make sense of it by believing we have a path that we can walk along.

We convince ourselves that the people we meet, the places we go to, the decisions we make occurred because there was reason in it. What if it’s not?

There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s OK. Life is a series of arbitrary events that make each individual’s story unique.

Our brains can’t fathom the idea that our memories are composed of chance encounters. So, we rearrange and manipulate our past until they form connections so that we can better understand our present and move towards the future. Doing that, life doesn’t seem so random.