Arbitrary days

Life is random. We try to make sense of it by believing we have a path that we can walk along.

We convince ourselves that the people we meet, the places we go to, the decisions we make occurred because there was reason in it. What if it’s not?

There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s OK. Life is a series of arbitrary events that make each individual’s story unique.

Our brains can’t fathom the idea that our memories are composed of chance encounters. So, we rearrange and manipulate our past until they form connections so that we can better understand our present and move towards the future. Doing that, life doesn’t seem so random.

‘You’re beautiful’

No one has ever told my sister that she is ugly. I asked her myself,

‘Has anyone ever said that you are “ugly”?’

‘No.’

There are days when she looks in a mirror with me in the room and she says,

‘I am ugly.’

I wonder how often she repeats these words to herself when there’s no one listening. I tell her,

‘That’s not true, you’re beautiful.’ I say it over and over again until she tells me to stop. That’s when I look into her eyes and say,

‘You’re beautiful.’

My sister was not taught to hate the way she looks. Her insecurities grew because she was surrounded by images of an “ideal” that she couldn’t turn herself into. She was assaulted with “views” and “looks” that were manufactured to symoblise ‘perfection.’ A notion that was impossible for such a young girl to carry on her shoulders.

As she couldn’t attain her “ideal self” that the society around her so cruelly asked for, she came to a simple conclusion. She was ‘ugly.’

With some encouragement slowly, my sister is beginning to accept the person that she is. She has a way to go but I know she is strong. She’s beginning to see that there are more important aspects that make her who she is and it’s not just about the way she looks.

There are too many people out there telling themselves things that are not true. What they need is someone looking from the outside to recognise the person that is within.

Look after those around you. Tell them they are beautiful.

Musings

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking. So much time that I miss out on actually doing things. I can’t help it. I’ve always been a thinker. I don’t do much with my thoughts. Occasionally I write them down if they get too much but for the most part, I spend a lot of time wandering through corridors, opening and closing doors, and staring out imaginary windows. I’m a dreamer.

Lately though, I’ve been thinking about turning some of those dreams into reality. The thing is, I don’t know which one to choose. I float aimlessly from thought to thought without really caring too much about what it means. I recently realised that I do this in real life too. I walk around hoping to find something, something meaningful, something worthwhile, anything that could make my journey through life clearer or if I’m feeling optimistic, add purpose to it. So far, I haven’t found anything.

I’ve been trying to find meaning in my life for a long time. At the moment, I’m going through the motions. Each step I take, I hope to get closer to my true ‘calling,’ but no matter how hard I look, the path becomes windier and more overgrown that I lose track of where it leads.

I try to find inspiration by watching videos, listening to what other people have to say, reading, and looking up into the sky. Strange as it may sound, looking up makes everything feel small and insignificant, and I feel calm. Cloudy days, sunny days, it doesn’t matter. As long as I can look up into the sky, I’ll know that at the very least, I’m trying.

Sometimes I wish I had a passion for something. No, I wish I had a passion.

Maybe life wouldn’t seem so scary if I actually knew what I was doing.